I always forget that I'm old

yesterday i thought i was twenty-nine and then i remembered i'm thirty-eight.

I’m writing this messy stream-of-thought letter from my vacation. Hello everyone.

I am thirty-eight.

I have been told I do not present as thirty-eight, which is good because I do not feel thirty-eight. I feel twenty-nine.

I probably look thirty-eight, though I don’t think I look thirty-eight. I think I look thirty-three. What do you think I look?

Physically, I may look thirty-three to me or thirty-eight to you, but metaphysically, I probably look twenty-nine. The vibe is twenty-nine. Right?

When I see a thirty-eight-year-old on TV, I’m like, damn, that dude is old as hell. Couldn’t be me, though! I’m a young man. But I’m also an old man.

I have called myself “the oldest young man” in conversations with young men. They think it’s funny but true.

When I was actually a young man, it used to piss me off when older people would say “but you’re still so young!” Bitch, I am twenty-four. I am not young. I am old. Now I know what they knew…that I was indeed young.

My father passed away when I was twenty-one. He died after a short six-month battle with cancer. I watched him waste away in front of my eyes. Even though I was twenty-one, I felt fifty.

Many of my male friends still have their fathers, meaning they are still immortal. They haven’t seen themselves die like I did when I watched my dad die. I am a time traveler.

Yesterday, my close friend and collaborator Anthony and I discussed some of our near-term and far-term goals.

About five years ago, I made a plan to get famous, and I stuck to it. The plan involved jamming ten years of work into five years to catch up to my younger peers, who started doing comedy at age twenty-three instead of thirty-three as I did.

The plan involved:

• making videos to get followers and be known as a funny man on the internet

• writing and starring in a short film (Out Of Order, 2022, premiered at Tribeca)

• building a social media phenomenon (ended up with not one but two)

• writing and starring in a feature film (premiering in October!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

• making it a full-time gig (that happened this year!)

I have checked off all the boxes on the plan. I wouldn’t call myself famous though. I think I need to be on a hit TV show to be actually famous. Or in like a really popular movie.

Nonetheless, I need a new plan.

Anthony and I were talking about what the new plan should be, and this is what was said.

Interestingly enough, I have said many times that I feel like I’m living my twenties in my thirties after living my thirties in my twenties, with the exception of becoming a father.

In my twenties, I took life more seriously. I tried very, very hard to be a startup founder and to get rich. I failed at that. I was unhappily married. I failed at that I was unhappily living, tbh. I think it was an early mid-life crisis.

Anyways, what the hell is the plan?

I think the plan should be to develop a two-year plan that gets me to forty, and then after I hit forty, I should develop another five-year plan.

How old was George Costanza?

I think he was supposed to be like twenty-nine.

Does that man look twenty-nine? No.