The infantilization of millennials is destroying American culture

It is time to stop acting like children.

I know that the ’90s were awesome and we all miss our childhoods, those sweet days of freedom from social media and our jailbird ankle bracelets (phones) but it’s time for us to grow up.

I understand that life as an adult is hard, that most of it sucks, and that the majority of it is just "logistics." But that is no excuse to regress into Adult Children. At least that’s my opinion.

I understand the comfort of a worn, warm blanket; the desire to feel and act like a kid. But we can find that warmth without playing dodgeball or having spelling bees brought to you by Brand™️

I understand that the world is a mess and that attending a "Branded Content Adult Sleepover Party" feels nice, but let’s be honest: it’s embarrassing as hell. You should honestly do something else. Like sleep at your own house. Or sleep with somebody for reasons that are definitely not brand-safe.

I hate feeling like an old man shaking my fist, but I’m 40. Maybe I have the right to be an old man shaking my fist. The problem is I’m shaking my fist at people my own age, not the youth. The kids are going to be alright. Seems like we middle aged folks aren’t?

Brands and corporations treat us like children, and we buy into it. As a result, we feel increasingly incapable of doing adult things like buying a house, getting married, having kids, or starting businesses. Yes, I know these things are hard. I know that the economy sucks. I know that AI is taking our jobs. I know that there are other factors at play. I know that some of you don’t want any of these things at all! I know we’ve been dealt the wrong hand. But I feel like participating in the Branded Content Adult Spelling Bee is not helping.

I feel like we should be doing something else like maybe revolting?

But even the signs we carry while we protest are cute and unserious. Yes, you made a pun. Such a clever boy! They are still taking away your rights. At least you’re getting enough protein.

Brands speak down to us because they want us to believe we are incapable. This makes us lose belief in ourselves, which makes us lazy and hopeless. I would prefer to be spoken to like an adult, to be slapped across the face with the cold, hard truth: that life is hard and that it’s okay. It is meant to be hard.

"Adulting" became a meme. Look at me, Mom! I’m adulting! I just mailed a fucking letter and licked the stamp and put it in the right spot all by myself! We all clap. But we shouldn’t. Being an adult sucks, but it’s not so hard that we should be applauding ourselves for doing it.

Millennials do not act like this across Europe or the rest of the world. It’s a uniquely American problem, just like the corporate infestation into our politics.

The brand sells you convenient solutions to make your life "easier," but in the meantime, they steal everything from you, including ownership. You own nothing. You rent everything. It’s "easier" this way.

Nostalgia is a powerful emotion. Most of the time it’s fine, but much of the time it is deeply unhealthy. There is a difference between reminiscing about the good old days and trying to relive them. We are not serious people.

We must become serious people. Not "serious" like Gordon Gekko, but serious like an immigrant parent in the '80s who came to America for a better life.

When I was 13 years old, I begged my dad to buy me a PlayStation. He told me video games were for kids. Twenty-six years later, I am thankful and grateful for those words of wisdom. There is nothing more embarrassing than an adult who plays video games, and honestly, nothing more unattractive. I understand that this is a coping mechanism—but so is sucking your thumb.

It ain’t that hard to keep your fuckin’ plants alive.

*Written on my iPhone from bed, a diner in Connecticut, and the porcelain throne