I hate the Long Hello

How long should a 'hello' last? I say no more than 3 seconds, but the best ones are non-verbal and last less than 1 second.

The other day, I was sitting on a bench at McCarren Park, having one of my world-famous business meetings. I find it better to walk and talk or, at the very least, sit on a bench outside when discussing business. As we all know, I am sick and tired of dinner.

My companion and I were engaged in a wonderful conversation, and at some point during it, I spotted a good friend of mine walking her dog. She was close enough to us that if I had muttered her name in my normal talking voice, she would have heard it.

I did not even think for one second about saying hello. I was afraid of the ‘Long Hello.’

I said to the person I was meeting with:

“Oh, that’s my friend.”

“Which one?”

“The one with the dog.”

“You should say hi.”

“No.”

“You’re not going to say hi?”

“No, I’m going to let her enjoy her day.”

And then, she walked by without noticing us and continued to live her best life.

In my opinion, I did her a tremendous favor by saving her from the horrors of being obligated to say hello—of having to engage in an impromptu conversation about nothing. I saved her from the awkwardness of being introduced to a stranger. I saved her from pretending to be excited and happy even though she was probably anxious and blasé. I am practically her guardian angel.

I also saved myself from the possibility of having to engage in a Long Hello, which I despise. I do not think this friend is a Long Hello type of person because she has social skills, but who knows? People do strange things all the time. People are capable of evil.

What I did was the ‘No Hello,’ the most extreme version of what I am advocating for because I did not say hello at all. This is difficult for most people, but not me! Most people like to give and receive hellos because hellos make us feel like we exist, like we’re important, and like we have friends! But too many people get it wrong and spoil it for those of us who engage in regular hellos.

All run-ins in my little circle of the New York City creative class are roughly the same: hello…what’s new….I haven’t seen you in so long…we should grab dinner…text me and we will make it happen…etc etc etc etc.

And then nothing happens, and you do the same dance the next time you run into each other again! It’s perfectly okay to just, like, not do that. It’s perfectly okay to do the classic ‘Non-verbal Hello,’ otherwise known as the classic ‘Smile & Wave’ or the ‘Nod & Smile.’ This is what neighbors in the suburbs do. It’s awesome. Just pretend we are neighbors in the suburbs, mowing our lawns…waving hello from across the street. How romantic and beautiful!

This style is best executed if no words are exchanged, and the entire encounter is done using body language, either by lifting the hand and waving it or nodding the head toward the friend you are acknowledging.

I prefer the ‘Nod & Smile’ because it is the most effective acknowledgment that we are greeting each other with the absolute least amount of effort. It is a power move. The ultimate sign of respect. I love the nod, though it usually only happens amongst two men and even more so if they are non-white. I wish it were universal.

If you must speak, then the appropriate hello should be under 3 seconds and should go something like this:

“Hi!”

“Hi!”

Or:

“Hello!”

“Hello!”

Or my personal favorite (if words must be used):

“Good to see you!”

“You too!”

That’s a fucking Normal Hello!!!! That’s good!!! It is good to be Normal sometimes!!!!

Honestly, I think it’s a great move to greet someone with the shortest hello possible and follow up later in the day or week with a text message or a phone call if you’re actually serious about making something happen. This is how things actually get done. They don’t get done hastily on the street.

I think it is perfectly appropriate to deploy a Longer Hello at a party, dinner, or other place where hellos are meant to turn into conversations! This is how friendships begin. But a long hello during a random run-in? No, let’s just be happy.

My worst nightmare is the long hello. The one that gets into the details. Bro, I’m literally running errands. Please let me run errands.

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