Dear Men: Looksmaxxing Won't Save You (But Silliness Might)

the new alpha male is a silly, silly boy

This is a guest post in my attempt to create “The Cut” for men. Mostly because someone said that it should exist, and I said I’d try. It’s not that serious. If you’d like to pitch an article or essay, email kareem.assistant@gmail.com.

Please do not pitch anything else to that email address.

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Last month, Project Hail Mary made box office history for Amazon MGM, bringing in more than $300 million globally in just its first two weekends. That success is thanks in no small part to the movie’s protagonist, Ryland Grace (Ryan Gosling), a middle school science teacher tasked with traveling through space to save the world. Most of all, he achieves such a feat in the lovable, witty way that Andy Weir has clearly mastered since the 2015 movie adaptation of his first novel, The Martian.

But Project Hail Mary’s greatest lesson isn’t that original stories can still crush at the box office, that humanity can persevere against all odds, or that alien puppets are sick as hell. It’s what the film reflects about life back here on Earth, particularly for fifty percent of our population.

In a world of toxic masculinity, Ryan Gosling is once again putting on a clinic for how more men should think of themselves: as silly, silly boys.

21st-century culture has done an excellent job describing what toxic masculinity looks like (not that we’ve all learned our lesson, by any means). Objectifying women. Fear of physical weakness. Emotional desensitization. Internalized and externalized homophobia. The list goes on. We have also succeeded at creating an entire lexicon of phrases to tell men how they shouldn’t behave: “catcalling,” “mansplaining,” “bropriating,” “weaponized incompetence,” “machismo,” “white-knighting.” And to be clear, each one is incredibly important for combating bad behavior and turning boys into better men. Especially given that the Andrew Tates of the world, or that guy who does 4 am banana ice baths or whatever, have yet to listen.

But what we haven’t done as effectively is describe the alternative: what does positive masculinity look like? What is the model for how dudes should behave instead?

Our ol’ friend Gosling gives a much better answer: silliness.

Gosling’s Grace is characteristically charming, vulnerable, and able to connect with damn near anybody—from hulking bodyguards to international political coordinators to aliens made of literal rock. He is the cool science teacher, the cool astronaut, or the cool savior of Earth who isn’t afraid to scream like a little girl when he’s scared. He makes jokes. He cares about making others around him feel safe or heard.

To be clear, Ryland Grace’s character, as written, still forces a depth to Gosling’s shenanigans. He is not a swaggering action hero who thinks he is invincible. In fact, he bears a crippling cowardice and loneliness that are both projections of what many men are struggling with more than ever right now. So, for as much as his silliness is the model, it is still rooted in and made human by his imperfections—imperfections that, once we become aware of them, ironically enable silliness in the first place.

As guys, we know we’re naturally intimidating. We’re usually born in bigger bodies with louder, deeper voices that are often used to throw out overly-confident, half-baked ideas. And we rarely express ourselves vulnerably in a world that teaches us to be inexpressive and invulnerable. To endure rather than admit our suffering. But just because Dad was hard on you doesn’t mean you should sign up for a $3,000 Alpha Male Boot Camp or obsess over looksmaxxing. These are just tricks to perform masculinity for others rather than to examine it for ourselves.

To be silly is to be self-aware. Without it, we’re just obnoxious: either using humor as a shield against true vulnerability, a weapon to bring down others, or a magnet for attention.

Self-awareness is especially crucial because there is something asymptotic about completely defanging what makes men manly. We will always be bigger, stronger, and louder. But while we can’t always change how we’re perceived, we can control how we use that perception. After all, there is value in being able to walk my sister or girlfriend home safely at night. So what’s the best way to fight that feeling of always being an imposing force in the world, while still making those around us feel safe and making us feel like we belong for who we are?

Be silly. Embrace whimsy. Use your male privilege for good by not taking yourself too seriously. Positive masculinity isn’t about being less masculine; it’s about being more conscious of masculinity’s effects.

Silliness isn’t a cure for toxic masculinity (lest we look at all the silly men who have done terrible things). Nor is it a complete answer to what positive masculinity should be. But it’s a tool in our toolbelt that helps us be more vulnerable, sensitive, and self-aware. If women carry knives and pepper spray on their key chains, then men can carry silliness in their pockets. And fortunately, men’s pants have pretty big pockets.

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Ollie Hicks is an NYC-based writer and filmmaker. Find more of his essays about the personal, cultural, and cinematic on Substack or follow his Instagram @olliel.twist.