Everything I Saw
This is a poem I wrote about everything I saw in my Instagram feed during a 10-minute scrolling session. I read it live at the Byline 1-year anniversary party last night.
Everything I Saw
I saw Adrian Brody with a big stupid smile on his face. It made me think about how wonderful it must feel to be handsome, rich and a bit dumb.
I saw @nymag post an article about Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers. It made me a bit jealous because, in my opinion, I am more handsome than both of them and equally as funny, but for some reason, not prestigious enough.
I saw my friend AP The Angel post some photos of him hanging out with Post Malone.
I saw a funny meme video of Tony Montana from the movie Scarface. It said, “My Mom: I hope you’ve been eating well since you moved out. Me: Every night for dinner.” Then, it's a video of Tony Montana shoving his face into a massive pile of blow. This gave me flashbacks.
I saw that funny little Asian guy who sings songs in the forest.
I saw the New York Times post about Joey Chestnut, the world-famous Glizzy Gobbler. Apparently, he and Nathan’s Hot Dogs have parted ways. I didn’t give a shit.
I saw 2 chihuahuas wearing Carhartt Jackets and glasses.
I saw the Tribeca Festival post some photos of Dakota Johnson, and I got angry because they didn’t accept my film this year, but they did ask me to be on a panel. And then I thought about how fucking stupid it was for them to change the name to Tribeca Festival instead of Tribeca Film Festival. Then I remembered how everything in the world revolves around being appealing to advertisers.
I saw Caleb the housing tours guy ask an old man how much he paid in rent in LA. It was $8000. I wish I could pay $8000 for rent.
I saw a video about how to make homemade peanut butter banana cups which is new to my feed because I just had a baby.
I saw a meme that said “I’ll never forget the time a girl cried in my arms cuz her grandma died and I got hard.”
I stopped scrolling and I wondered if this would sound any good out loud to an audience of friends and strangers. I wondered if I should try a different idea. I wondered if it would be better to read a email from the ex-girlfriend that I left in Minnesota.
May 2012:
“I just have one more thing to say: You decided to move and I gave you my blessing and support. You moved for no reason but desire. You didn't have to, but I supported you. even though It was Painful.”
No, this is a bad idea. Back to the Instagram thing.
I saw an episode of Boy Room with a guy named Kyle who has way too many clothes and way too much laundry. It made me wonder why a 28-year-old man would choose to live like an 18-year-old boy. And then I wondered if I am old for my age, young for my age, or just right for my age.
I saw a meme that said “The Aliens Are Coming” and then there was a picture of a guy fucking an alien with the caption “My Friend Who Fucks Anything”
I saw something about congestion pricing.
I saw a photo of the cast of Euphoria.
I saw Larry and James talk about bucket lists.
I saw a slow-motion video of a woman with big breasts jumping on a trampoline.
I saw that Keith McNally is in Milan for a few months.
I saw that Ren Faire is now streaming on HBO.
I saw an ad for Ozempic.
I saw a video of Hunter Biden smoking crack.
I saw that Gaza has the largest population of child amputees in the world.
Love the use of anaphora and I like how the poem mirrors the absolutely mindless brain rot of scrolling until you're punched in the gut at the end. I feel like maybe there should be a few more mindless observations after that last line though because people really just keep scrolling, I mean, what else are you supposed to fucking do?